remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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