dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am spending my child support on dildos
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
