You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
