3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we made out on top of his cat.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You may now shotgun with the bride
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.