he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course