Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
