she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
