At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
