Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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