Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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