I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Enjoy the penises
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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