first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is wine microwaveable?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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