I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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