hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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