I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
