U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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