I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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