A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You need Xanax blowdarts
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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