My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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