I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Randomize
