Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
