$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
