If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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