so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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