I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
