You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
