1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You're like the curious george of whores
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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