you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
