thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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