My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
