Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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