There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
