Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He felt like a one man threesome
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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