I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
