He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
