Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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