Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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