The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
