Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I currently don't understand fingers.
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