Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
