Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
