Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.