im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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