Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
