can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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