I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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