atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think my moral compass just broke
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
