They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
