god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I pour the whiskey from now on
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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