4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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