Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
