I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
