You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
