my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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